The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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