my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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