I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
