cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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