I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There's always time for handjobs
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
