I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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