yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
