I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
