Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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