Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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