He asked me if I "almost moaned"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
