He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
