I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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