i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i think my tv is drunk
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
