I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
