Got a toothbrush?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
