I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
