I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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