i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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