i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
