Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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