My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
