So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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