He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
