Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
