70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
