Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
