About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
