Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
