it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
