Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
