Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
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