I wish my penis had an off switch
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I did not marry a roomba.
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