One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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