I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
