did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
