Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
