Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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