drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
