I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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