I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
