Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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