don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
