Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i drank out of a bidet.
3pm strippers are depressing
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
