He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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