Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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