my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
