I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
false alarm. still invincible.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
