Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
