Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm like, not good at living.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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