batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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